Lisette Ashton's Definitive Guide to Sexual Terminology
The following list explains some of the terms that are used to add mystery and allure to the genre of erotic fiction . As this site is currently under construction I will be adding to it and amending it as soon as I learn what new words mean.
AB - cool sounding term that stops Adult Babies from sounding like the most pathetic fetishists in the known universe.
abstinence - quality that makes the heart grow fonder.
AIDS - brand of slimming confectionaries which suffered a loss of product confidence at the beginning of the 1980's.
anal - yearly records of events.
anal intercourse - talking with someone who is an anus.
annilingus - Irish country and western singer, sister of cunnilingus but went on to persue a solo career (SEE ALSO: CUNNILINGUS)
anoxia - third member of the Irish singing trio that included annilingus and cunnilingus.
around the world - journey taken by people who aren't fussy about where they eat.
autoerotic - having sex with a car, or moving vehicle of any description.
back passage - that entrance which is not normally used by formal guests and is more normally reserved for closer acquantances or those from the lower orders. (SEE ALSO: TRADEMAN'S ENTRANCE)
BDSM - driving school.
bisexual - common mode of transport that can be ridden by either men or women.
bitch - to moan or complain about something.
Blowjob - that bloke from the James Bond films with the dangerous hat. (SEE ALSO: HAND JOB)
cheap tart - reasonably priced popular confectionary. (SEE ALSO: TART)
Chubby Chaser - American singer who popularised the dance craze "the twist".
clitoris - type of common flower, notable because it seldom blooms without arduous attention and is unknown to most male gardeners.
cock - a vulgar term for a male hen (SEE ALSO: PENIS).
coprophilia - person who derives sexual pleasure from eating French food.
CP - computer belonging to a dyslexic person. (SEE ALSO: BDSM, S & M)
cross-dresser - like a welsh dresser but in a bad mood.
cunnilingus - Irish country and western singer (SEE ALSO: ANNILINGUS).
cunt - contraction of the contracted word COULDN'T.
cybersex - a trendy term for masturbating.
dildo - the opposite of a dildon't.
doggie-style - swimming style, similar in stroke to the butterfly.
dom - mild profanity uttered by a person with a speech impediment.
dyke - an embankment constructed to prevent flooding, keep out the sea, or confine a river to a particular course.
enema - a person who doesn't like you.
fanny - southern England pronunciation about something that is witty or amusing.
fellatio - Italian meal, similar to spaghetti in that it usually needs sucking rather than chewing. Invariably served with meatballs followed by a creamy sauce. Also, a make of car now manufactured by Skoda.
female orgasm - mythological achievement for women that does not exist outside the realms of popular fiction.
French - prefix meaning dirty.
genitals - members of the non-Jewish community.
glans - sworn enemy of the Power Rangers.
golden showers - type of rainfall peculiar to the Sellafield area.
Greek - doing it whilst holding a kebab.
hand job - assistant to Blowjob in the James Bond movie with the dangerous hat. (SEE ALSO BLOWJOB)
incest - any of various aromatic substances burnt for their fragrant odour, esp. in religious ceremonies. Probably the biggest tabboo in all erotic literature/fiction but acceptable in factual stories about the european royal families.
intercourse - social interaction, ie conversation. (SEE ALSO: ANAL INTERCOURSE)
kinky - singer who performed with Elton John. Another name for a person from New Zealand.
labia - breed of dog, similar to a retriever.
labia minoris - Greek holiday resort.
labia majora - Spanish holiday resort.
leather fetish - expensive fetish for those who are tired of PVC. (SEE ALSO: PVC FETISH)
masochist - person who writes erotic novels expecting either fame or fortune. (SEE ALSO: SADIST)
masturbation - watching soap operas. (SEE ALSO: MUTUAL MASTURBATION)
menstrual cycle - mode of transport that is notoriously limiting (ie "I can't do that, I'm on my mentrual cycle) slightly more highly rated than a Lambretta but with a tendency to leek.
mons pubis - Italian holiday resort.
muff - open-ended furry cylinder into which parts of the body can be placed for warmth.
mutual masturbation - watching soap operas and talking about them with a friend. (SEE ALSO: MASTURBATION)
necrophilia - a sexual relationship epitomised by that existing between Margaret and Dennis Thatcher.
NSU - union organisation (like the NUT or TUC) but with an indiscrimate membership recruitment policy.
penis - a medically correct term for a male hen. (SEE ALSO: COCK)
pierced pussy - a cat with an earring.
pornography - erotic literature or materials belonging to someone else.
prepuce hood - part of the anoraks worn by Eskimos for keeping babies in whilst they build igloos or kill polar bears.
promiscuous - a person with one more sexual partner than yourself.
pubes - drinking establishments where posh people go for a pint.
pussy - another name for a cat.
pussy flaps - small aperture in a door that allows cats to get in and out without needing a key.
pussy whipped - perverse animal cruelty.
PVC fetish - cheap fetish for those who can't afford leather. (SEE ALSO: LEATHER FETISH)
S&M - designer label for clothes. (SEE ALSO: BDSM, CP). A high street supermarket that also produces quality labelled clothing.
sadist - editor of erotic novels. (SEE ALSO: MASOCHIST)
scat - go away. Shoo!
shaft - Black detective from 1970's American TV programme.
spanking - reigning male monarch of the European country Span.
sub - borrow.
swapping - an activity that used to be performed openly, on Saturday morning telly, between Noel Edmonds and Keith Chegwin. Now it is confined to consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes.
tart - popular confectionary. (SEE ALSO: CHEAP TART)
thong - thomething that a thinger might thing.
Tit - Bible. abbrev for TITUS.
toyboy - youth, like Pinnochio, in that his probiscus can grow to excessive lengths.
trannie - dated feat of technology, notable for its unconvincing reproduction of genuine sounds and unsightly appearance.
tradesman's entrance - entrance that is only used by those people who are in the trade. Most commonly reserved for when the decorators are going in. (SEE ALSO: BACK PASSAGE)
TV - something that is entertaining to look at but is mostly disappointing.
Twat - small village in Scotland.
VD - initials of Val Doonican and Vera Duckworth.
wanker - supposedly derisory term that, on examination, is as insulting as calling someone an oxygen-breather.
wrist job - cosmetic surgery to improve the appearance of unsightly wrists.
zoophilia - a passionate love of animal sanctuaries and zoos. Also, a man who acquires the animals to "fill" the zoos.
e-mail to
me@lisetteashton.co.uk
If you think there are any terms, words or phrases that I've missed out, feel free to drop me a line via the link at the bottom of this page.